Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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