Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Four minutes until I can fart!
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
