can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
