hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
