Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Watching her eat just hurts me
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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