Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
