??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
