can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
