I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
