How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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