I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
