I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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