I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
