I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
