I think I am morally bankrupt
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
