from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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