i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
