this beer tastes like vomit already
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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