I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
