I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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