Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
