Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
