Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
