Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
