My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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