When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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