my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
