She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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