I think I died a long time ago.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
