I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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