K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
