This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
