My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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