its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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