dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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