Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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