Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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