I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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