First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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