OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
