If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
