Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I love you.
Bad choice
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
