I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
