if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I think I won the penis lottery.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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