goodnight i made you a song goodbye
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
