just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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