proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
