If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
