Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
