I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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