Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
