I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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