Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
