I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
We talked him into tasing himself.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
