i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
