I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
