the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
