Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
