There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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