Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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