They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
