Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
