I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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