i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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