i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
