Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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