Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
