mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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