I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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