Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
