the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
