you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
