If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize