Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
